someone’s holding the door shut
An “elephant in the room” is an unspoken, unaddressed issue that grows too big to keep ignoring. In Part 1, I wrote about how the elephant on its own is harmless and has something to teach us. While we can’t always control whether or when it gets addressed, we can control how we orient to it. I would be remiss to talk about all this if I didn’t also explicitly talk about power.
An elephant is ultimately stuck in the room because people are keeping it there. People with power over the situation or group often have incentive to act out a weird combination: pretending it’s not there and preventing it from leaving. This is very human, and not necessarily the mark of someone with bad intentions. They may be doing so consciously or unconsciously, maliciously or not.
Chances are that whatever their level of awareness and motivation may be, their actions ultimately come from a place of fear and/or ignorance. They are worried what will happen if everyone starts talking about the elephant and let it out of the room. They are maybe naively hoping it will just go away on its own. I would bet that their fear has to do with a perceived loss of control, respect, or authority. People who operate from a place of “power over” (rather than “power with”1) in a group encourage others to continue to ignore the elephant through their example, covertly or overtly.
Depending on the context, “sticking your neck out” when everyone else still has blinders on in public can range from uncomfortable to unsafe. Personality, risk tolerance, and conflict management skills also play a role in someone’s capacity to speak up and how things play out afterwards. It takes courage, in any case. It can be a starting point for others to join and support you in working together toward a resolution. Worst case, saying something can get you kicked out of the room entirely, which some don’t feel they can risk. See There’s No Line in Alignment 2/3 for more on why speaking up costs some people way more.
Humans have built societies and hierarchies based on what we look like, how we speak, how we hold ourselves, how big we are, what we are good at, how old and/or experienced we are, and myriad other things. We size each other up instantly to gauge where the power lies in the room and often adjust our behavior subconsciously. As highly social creatures, this helped us survive back in the day, and to an extent, still does.
This is never an excuse for harm and other abuses of power; knowledge of this part of our wiring as humans can be a tool for doing better. It is a biological reality that we can use to support increased awareness of our motivations, reactions, and choices. It is worth exploring how our identities, visible and invisible, shape our power in a given context so we can wield it responsibly and respectfully.2
To leave or not to leave
The decision to leave a room can be a hard and deeply personal one. Some people can afford to quit their jobs and avoid rooms with elephants in them on principle. It’s not so simple for most; feeling you have the option to leave the room entirely can sometimes be a privilege, sometimes a cop out. Sometimes it’s the most self-respecting thing to do.
Matters of values, livelihood, justice, and responsibility—and how our differences interact in a group setting—make these things complex. What feels low stakes or “a hill worth dying on” for me may be way riskier for someone else. Either way, it takes self-knowledge and discernment to know what is safe and right for you in a given situation.
One of the comments I received on Part 1 was about how challenging it can be to ask for help and offer it when confronted with an elephant in the room and fraught power dynamics. It’s a great point and one I’m glad they raised. There are some cultures that see asking for help as weakness, a sign that you failed somehow. In the healthiest cultures I’ve ever encountered, asking for help is seen as brave and an exercise of power that says, “I don’t want to be stuck anymore, and I’m willing to do what it takes to get unstuck, even if that means being vulnerable.”
There’s no easy way to 1) ask for help and 2) know who to trust with sensitive information. Saying something requires willingness to take some amount of risk. Sometimes we don’t even know what to ask for, or it doesn’t feel safe to discuss these issues with Operations, even if you’re sure others have noticed what you have.
It can be a deeply unfair situation; the burden of extra work and damage control often lands on people who didn’t create the elephant in the first place. This is one situation where “trickle down” is real and another example of how our choice to exercise power can affect others.
Whatever your elephant, finding someone you do trust to talk to is a solid first step (not feeling alone is important). In my case, it was my partner at the time, and then later, my coach, who helped me feel less alone by sharing how common my struggles were in organizational life and encouraged me to try new ways of responding to the problems I was facing. Eventually, I worked up the nerve to discuss my concerns with a few colleagues who had more influence with certain leaders than I did. Like I mentioned in Part 1, these dynamics can’t be addressed alone, but how you relate to them can change how you’re able to show up in tough situations.
Using power to invite the elephant out
I have referenced “power over” vs. “power with” a few times now, the difference being wielding power in a way that coerces vs. using power to initiate and sustain dialogue and collective action. Exercising “power over” keeps elephants trapped in rooms, whether the message is implicit or explicit. Exercising “power over” in this situation could also look like forcing a spotlight on the elephant in an attempt to force it out, which can do a lot of damage, too. As tempting as they can feel sometimes, public callouts in the workplace tend to lead to defensiveness and collateral damage, even if they know you have a point.3 It’s a natural reaction for someone to try to save face and maintain authority.
Exercising “power with” to address the elephant in the room is a matter of how. For example, asking for time to discuss something you’re concerned about, acknowledging the elephant, sharing a little about what you’re noticing, and inviting others to discuss how you might work together to let it out. Whether or not you feel like you have allies in the workplace, there’s no guarantee that others will feel comfortable with an invitation to candid conversation. That said, there’s nothing wrong with there being heat in the room. If it were easy to address, there wouldn’t be an elephant in the room in the first place.
Inviting an elephant out of a room is a time for genuine conversation, to the extent possible. Like I mentioned in Part 1, third-party help can greatly increase the chance of this happening. Facilitators and coaches are not subject to internal power dynamics and (hopefully) have experience helping people with tricky conversations. Depending on the nature of the elephant, this may take time. Groups may need help with things like repair, understanding and valuing differences as a strength rather than an obstacle, or deciding what to do next (sometimes all 3, though not all at once).
Forgive a practical note on this: Don’t treat finding support as a formality — this person will help shape what outcomes are possible.4 Facilitation is a relationship, not a process, and this perspective shift will help you find someone who feels like a good fit for you/your organization. Answer as many of their questions as you’re able; it will help you both determine fit and help them better meet your needs. Ask questions about the philosophy behind their work and what they’re in service to in general and in situations like yours. If you sense that it’s deeper than methodology, process, and delivering what you want, take that as a sign to keep the conversation going. You may be on your way to meaningful partnership with someone who can really help you.
When I was a manager dealing with multiple elephants in rooms (arguably the same room), it took a long time to feel like there was any movement around the conversations I started having with trusted colleagues and my coach. This was appropriate since some of the elephants long predated me and had been around for 10+ years. Day to day, I felt like we weren’t doing enough and nothing was changing. Over the course of a few years, I started to see shifts as people responded to small changes myself and others made that were appropriate for our roles and responsibilities (re: small experiments in complexity).
Now, years since I have left, I see how those early conversations and efforts paved the way for some of the positive changes that occurred down the line (don’t worry, it doesn’t always take this long). They even have an elephant or two less in the room. While I can’t take credit for that, me and my colleagues can take credit for the nerve to ask for help and begin exercising “power with.”
-Cheyenne
1 credit to Staci Haines and members of the Strozzi Institute for Somatics for their use of the “power over vs. with”
2 For a deep dive on increasing awareness of your own power, how it changes, and recognizing dynamics, Power: A User’s Guide by Julie Diamond, is a favorite resource. For a few on race and power in the US (I am white): White Women by Regina Jackson and Saira Rao; Letters to My White Male Friends by Dax-Devlon Ross; Poet Warrior by Joy Harjo
3 There’s a time and a place for a call out. Work isn’t usually it. There can be a lot of collateral damage that further damages already shaky trust or makes things much worse for others/everyone. A call in, on the other hand, can be great. See Loretta J. Ross’s work on this.
4 Even though part of the job of a coach or facilitator is to notice power and support people to wield and navigate it thoughtfully, the roles themselves hold power. Our presence is never neutral, and decisions we make can strongly shape a conversation and process. It’s important for practitioners to be honest with themselves and clients about this. For some great reflections on power in design and facilitation, Chris Corrigan has been exploring how to hold this responsibility as a facilitator with clear eyes and transparency. A Letter on Hosting Complexity & A Letter to My Art of Hosting Community
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