Tend the Sparks Consulting

it’s not out to get you. really!

It’s taken some doing over the years, but I finally look at “the elephant in the room” without dread. I have met many elephants in the rooms I’ve worked in across 15 years in environmental conservation, and many more since. Some were already there when I arrived and some grew to that size over years. Anyone who’s worked (or lived) with me can confirm that I’m not one for sweeping things under the rug, especially when those things are making people miserable. In hindsight, this propensity was one of the clear signs pointing me to the work I do now.

If something has gone on long enough to become an elephant in the room, it is sensitive for someone, if not multiple people. That said, you don’t necessarily have to systematically address the elephant in the room to get some degree of relief. There are often good reasons to hold off and get to a place where you can get some support. Either way, leaving the room and opting out doesn’t always feel like an option.

There’s little in the workplace (or life) that we have control over except ourselves. I have found that a more constructive place to start when something feels like a mess is to recognize the nature of the elephant and my choice in how I see it, rather than weighing whether it can or should be addressed. That shift in orientation to the problem is what we realistically have control over, not an excuse to keep avoiding it. While we’re hanging in there looking for longer-term solutions and help, it is possible to be on friendlier terms with the elephant and refuse to pretend it’s not there.

As someone who started her career as a veterinary assistant, zoo keeper aide, and biologist, you will always hear me say that nature has loads to teach us. Plus, combining my interests is fun. I’ve had several clients invoke elephants in rooms lately, so it seemed like time to dust off this piece I wrote months ago that didn’t feel like it had a moment yet.

The three things below have helped me feel much freer in rooms containing elephants. Plus, it’s part of my job to help people address them. I hope they help you view your elephants with a little more charity, too.

Note: for those who aren’t familiar with the phrase, “the elephant in the room” refers to something between two or more people that goes unspoken and unaddressed for so long that it grows to be unavoidably big and constraining, yet they still try to pretend it isn’t there.

1) The elephant in the room does not mean you any harm: much like an actual elephant, the issue is sensitive and doesn’t want to step on us. It’s simply too big for the room we’ve closed it in and really wants to leave. If we start to feel claustrophobic and are stepping on each other’s toes, it’s because we’ve given ourselves no other alternative.

Elephants don’t seem so big on savannas and in jungles where they belong. With perspective and space, the uncomfortable stuff we navigate at work is not as big either. We can give ourselves perspective and space, regardless of whether fully addressing the elephant in the room is on the table. Tough moments themselves are not the things that do us harm, how we choose to meet them (or not) can, though.

2) The elephant in the room is trying to tell you something: elephants are among the animals we consider to be the most intelligent, besides ourselves. We humans often use our smarts to avoid things that make us uncomfortable, like change. Our brains sometimes equate “new” with “bad,” especially when we’re stressed and under pressure (external or self-inflicted). This is normal human stuff.

If something has gone unacknowledged long enough to become an elephant, it is almost certainly because it has the power to incite change, and therefore expose us to more uncertainty, which can be scary. It also has information about how we are together, like what we fear losing and conversations we’re avoiding. There are so many questions worth asking about the elephant in the room and a goldmine of learning, if we’re able to approach it with curiosity and care, rather than fear and defensiveness. Discomfort is not necessarily bad, sometimes it’s just new.

3) The elephant in the room will eventually become impossible to ignore: the saying exists for a reason, and I defy anyone who says they wouldn’t be/haven’t been affected somehow by seeing a live elephant up close. The elephant affects everyone in the room, even if they’re not directly involved in the situation. After a certain point it all becomes so distracting and ridiculous to pretend and navigate around it that something has to give. There’s no real telling on the timeline there, but it becomes a volatile situation that ramps up everyone’s anxiety as they wait for an impending fallout. It actually takes a lot of energy to pretend something is fine when it’s not, and the dissonance it creates in our bodies is an insidious source of stress and poor health for people and organizations.

It is inevitable that the elephant will need to be collectively acknowledged, whether circumstances force the issue or people in the room initiate the conversation. I have experienced both types of elephant reckonings in the workplace. Experience compels me to state what might sound obvious: acknowledging the elephant in the room and working together to address it is better than waiting for it to break its way out. When that happens, you have to nurse lots of bruises and rebuild your house and trust in leadership that did not prevent very preventable damage.

On addressing said elephant

My use of “address the elephant” rather than “confront the elephant” is intentional. Think gesturing at it and asking folks in the room whether you can talk about what you’re noticing, rather than gearing up for a fight. Like I said, elephants don’t want to stomp us. We also generally don’t get anyone’s best when they sense we’ve got our hackles up.

Though the aforementioned damage is preventable, navigating the situation is not without nuance. Power dynamics and personal capacity to handle discomfort have everything to do with how workplace conversations play out and whether people feel safe being honest, no matter how mature everyone may be (more on power in part 2).

It is worth mentioning that adjusting to avoid the elephant in the room is a natural coping mechanism. Most of us have the initial reaction of trying to continue with “business as usual,” in this case, doing our jobs, with the hope that folks with formal authority will do their jobs and address the elephant quickly. Which sometimes happens without incident.

When it’s not addressed promptly, it feels crappy to maneuver around it and fake it, all of which is extra work and bad for us, especially over long periods of time. It is also my experience that the performance fools no one who is paying attention, and that includes colleagues, partners, and donors, making elephants in rooms external risks as well as internal ones (re: eventually they become impossible to ignore).

At worst, gaslighting and conflict avoidant behavior makes it hard or impossible to be transparent and address elephants constructively. Those behaviors are coping and defense mechanisms that come from somewhere in a person’s life that has nothing to do with work. It’s not up to us to “fix” those behaviors but sometimes, annoyingly, we do have to navigate them.

All of that said, I learned that third-party support with tricky organizational dynamics is a good idea, whether they are coaching you through a challenging situation, in the room facilitating a discussion, or both. Depending on the context, it might take some time to work through.

Getting that kind of support when I had organizational roles helped me find more ease in negative patterns I could not change solo. In the short term, I got a lot of relief from not feeling alone and getting some perspective. In the medium to longterm, I learned and practiced new skills that made me more equipped to handle the dilemmas I faced and make judgment calls from a more aware place.

None of that changed the fact that I couldn’t influence those negative patterns enough to shift them on my own. But when several key people, a group, or an entire organization get that kind of support, patterns start to wiggle loose. In complex situations, even small shifts can have disproportionately large effects (see previous posts on microshifts). These days, I’m the person doing the supporting.

Reorienting to what we can do

That’s a lot and it can get tangled fast. Re: the complexity of human interaction. I repeat, tough moments themselves are not the things that do us harm, how we choose to meet them (or not) can, though. I find that comforting. Seeing an elephant in the room for what it is truly is gives us options when we feel backed into a corner, even if we’re more of an unfortunate witness than directly involved party.

For me, I notice that there’s more space to move around the room when I stop clinging to the walls for fear the elephant will squish me. I sometimes laugh at myself once I realize how much I’ve villainized it. I might even find myself giving the elephant a friendly pat as I walk by and carry on with my day. It can be rather liberating.

Anything y’all would add from your experiences with elephants in rooms?

-Cheyenne