Tend the Sparks Consulting

There must be something in the air this spring here in the US. Almost every client I’ve worked with over the last few weeks has invoked their values — a desire to uncover and declare them for the first time, adapt them, reorient to them. I’m a nerd for what happens in the gaps that can appear between what we believe, say, and do; alignment among these things and what starts to feel off when we’re experiencing alignment’s opposite, dissonance, are some of the core things I work with as a human, consultant, and coach. 

We all have values, even if we’ve never given them much thought or expressed them. Making decisions guided by one’s values is a separate matter…Wherever we are in our relationship to them, values drive us and connect us to purpose (and each other).

When I ask a client what is important to them, they rattle off a list that contains values, no problem. That list is a starting point for exploration and, when narrowed down, can become an anchor and guide. Where the rubber meets the road is the gap between declaring values and holding them in a way that feels good.

Dissonance is the tension created when our outward actions and expressions don’t match our inward feelings and beliefs. In my experience, dissonance is one of the greatest sources of dis-ease, angst, and dysfunction in myself, others, and organizations. My clients’ interest in working with values are coming from the wise inkling that the source of the changes, growth, and milestones they’re interested in might need to come from a different place than they’re acting from now — they’re sensing some level of dissonance and desire more alignment. 

Values sometimes must change as we move through life and need different things to thrive and feel connected to purpose. There’s something empowering about holding values proudly but also loosely enough so you can change them when it will enable growth and wellness. Life changes that pick us up and give us a good shake often prompt a reevaluation: births, deaths, illnesses, basically anything that reminds us of our mortality and/or smallness (as compared to oceans, mountains, the universe).

It’s surprisingly easy to use sources other than our values to make decisions (see past posts what we risk & a little more sweet, etc.). In the short to medium term, we humans have tremendous capacity to hold the tensions that misalignment brings up, even when we aren’t fully aware of them. Our animal bodies can’t be duped, though. Dissonance is uncomfortable and powerful. It’s also palpable to others, even if no one (including ourselves) can quite put their finger on what feels off. 

That said, it takes a lot of energy to live in conditions where we are managing certain tensions for extended periods. Besides the fact that these things can range from edgy to harmful, one of the worst things to me about feeling stuck in a cycle of dissonance is that it can rob us of presence. Creativity, inspiration, joy, perspective, and possibility emerge from presence. Adaptability and resilience, too. I want lots of those things in the world and for my own life.

There are many values exercises out there for those who want something tangible to work with. Most I have encountered involve different ways of narrowing down a long list of words, sometimes pairing them with active verbs, sometimes listing them in order of priority. After a quick search, Taproot, Brené Brown, and think2perform share exercises closest to ones I have completed in the past. They’re easy to do solo and can be rich territory for discussion with a trusted thought partner.

Choosing 3-5 values to focus on doesn’t mean we follow them to the exclusion of others, or even that we need to voice them to anyone but ourselves. They’re simply a reflection of what is most important to us at this time. It’s supposed to feel challenging to narrow it down so much. The invitation to not overthink it and choose what attracts us most is part of the benefit.

To be clear, I am in no way suggesting that reflecting on values will fix your life. Working with them can be a meaningful place to start taking stock though, especially when we’re feeling adrift. For me at least, it’s helped me reconnect with clarity of purpose and how I want that purpose to inform what I prioritize. There’s something to be said for knowing what we stand for and using that to remind ourselves which direction we’re facing and why.

-Cheyenne

photo: a place I stand for where I once reconnected to myself in a life-changing way (and some values)