Tend the Sparks Consulting, LLC

imperfect creatures and ripples

Last week, I had several “the universe is never, ever kidding” moments (Cheryl Strayed). One involved being unable to show up for something important to me in a way that I would have chosen. I was only able to spend about 30 minutes lamenting this until my instructors started talking about self compassion. Turns out that not beating myself up for being human was going to be the point of much of the week. The universe has an excellent sense of humor, if we’re up for laughing at ourselves a lot.

The unreasonable expectation of being “on” all the time shows up in sneaky ways, and we’re often unkind to ourselves when it’s impossible to maintain (it is). In any case, forcing it robs us of true presence. Unfortunately, self compassion is not a phrase most people hear outside of mindfulness contexts. Sorry to break it to the eye rollers: practicing it belongs everywhere, because we are imperfect creatures wherever we go. 

Self compassion is a condition to finding more ease in our relationships with ourselves, others, and uncertainty. A teacher I worked with several years ago once invited me to “be sweet to myself,” rather than “trying to be nice to myself,” and it has stuck with me ever since. Self compassion is one of the sources of sweetness, and all humans need both. 

Though they might appear similar on the surface, “nice” and “sweet” are actually almost opposites the way we use them in the US. “Nice” is “play nice,” “be nice,” “they’re nice,” things we say when we are trying to tolerate something or someone, or covering our judgements and true feelings with manners. But “sweet”? That involves genuine affection and attentiveness, giving and doing with a tender, glad heart. 

Put that way, the choice between which of the two we’d rather receive is obvious. Trying to be nice to myself last week would have been “letting” myself rest and ruining it by judging myself for neglecting the to-do list. Being sweet to myself ended up looking like wearing a blanket around the house, napping at weird times, and eating a slab of lasagna about it. For 4 days.

Not being able to fake being “on” last week made me fully receptive to learning some things that would not have been possible in the same way had I felt great. Surrendering to my reduced capacity allowed me a different kind of presence and helped me build more awareness and resilience in an emerging area of my life. Now that I’m not feeling wilted, that is all clear as day. 

How we show up for ourselves is inseparable from how we show up for the people and things we care about. As change makers, leaders, good neighbors, our growth together as communities, movements, and organizations stunts if we ourselves don’t practice what we hope to create in the world. Sweetness to ourselves, self compassion, whatever you want to call it, sends out ripples, I promise. Being in touch with this kind of gentleness is one of the many things that makes complexity, change, and chaos feel less daunting.

We are in a time when our humanity is in need of protecting, and we are all the people to do it. I want to be strong and ready to show up for what matters to me. If it takes 4 days in blanket mode to be up for that again, so be it. Actually, all the better. May we all be a little less nice and a little more sweet.

Stay loving and fierce, y’all,

-Cheyenne   

photo: little sweet things from my new yard